Strange Happenings Are Afoot On Community Access

By pure random chance, I was flipping through the TV channels (I don’t have a onscreen guide for Basic Cable) and found the strangest thing. It is some shoddy community bulletin board channel for Lower Paxton Township, with the imaginative name, “LPT TV” What was strange was not that it looks like it is just a crappy looping Powerpoint presentation with gross spelling and grammatical errors (such as “Stray Aminal”). What seemed a tad askew was that there seemed to be a dude, oblivious to the fact  that he was on air, doing test countdowns while seeming to slowly descend into madness. I truly wish I had some sort of video recorder or capture card to record what I have seen, because what ensued could easily be an entire Negativland Album or played on the Hour Of Slack. Whatever description I can give just pales in comparison to the actual events and if the following seems stupid or not noteworthy, I will just write it off as a “you had to be there” experience.

First there is a semi-regular stream of test-counts, “Testing. One, Two, Three, Four Fiiiiiiiiiiive”. The announcer, while seemingly bored, has random bouts of massive enthusiasm and on multiple occasions reached numbers as high as eight. He seems to be fairly clumsy as well, as the microphone seems to keep falling or getting hit with objects. I also occasionally hear a female colleague in the background who seems to inspire frustration and anger in the aforementioned announcer. At one point, this colleague said “heeey” in a very seductive manner at which point the microphone was audibly knocked over and he responded in a loud and furious tone, “WHAT?!” At this point, the microphone audio was cut. On top of all of this is a background loop of 3 crappy upbeat muzak songs that have an beautiful ironic contrast with the dark and seeming chaotic nature of the announcer and the broadcast.

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