It’s that time of year again where, after we finish gorging ourselves on grilled food, drinking, and making stuff explode, we have to get ready for the X-ist pleasure saucers to pick up all the good little SubGenius boys, girls, and mutants before they can blow the Earth to bits. That’s right, X-Day is here again and you are screwed. Maybe you couldn’t send your $30 to “BOB”. Maybe you couldn’t make it to the camp grounds. Perhaps you are just a cheap bastard like me. Either way, you’re not getting off this forsaken little rock. REPENT! QUIT YOUR JOB! DON’T PANIC!
Hitchhike! It doesn’t matter if you are dealing with X-ists or Vogons, with a little preparation and some luck you too can be surfin’ the intergalactic highway. First, you need a kit. The necessities: Towel, The Guide, and a Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic. A Towel needs no explanation being one of the most useful items in the known universe (and quite a few unknown universes as well). Do I really need to go into why having a Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is needed for a galactic hitchhiker? Lastly, a Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic (a.k.a. “the thumb”) is a specialized device for sensing close by spacecraft and alerting them to you presence. It is hard to hitchhike without it. They are a little hard to come-by on Earth (ever since Radio Shack went down hill and started focusing on selling crappy cellphones) and the closest planet that sells good ones (a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse) is screwed over by Betelgeuse’s imminent supernova.
This might suffice for most people, but I like to be prepared (and pyromaniacal). I have a nice backpack (though a satchel or Messenger bag would due) to stick my stuff in. I have a Macbook. It is great for storing porn and disciples of Jeff Goldblum know that Macs can easily take out alien motherships. Next is a survival kit with first aid, food, flashlight, water, and all the other survival essentials. I just stole the essentials from the family disaster kit (like they’re going to need it when the X-ists come). A Swiss Army Knife, duct tape and rope are essentials for the students of MacGyver. I got a canteen and an old army surplus mess kit so I have a way to eat my pilfered emergency rations. I also have a fire-starting survival knife, swedish fire steel, waterproof matches, wind-proof lighter, M-80s, C-4, Napalm, enriched uranium, and plutonium. You never know when you need to light something (or someone) on fire or blow some shit up. Plutonium is also very useful in that you can use it to power a time machine, commit genocide, and it tastes great on white bread with raspberry preserves. Lastly a gross or two of condoms is important when you are dealing with promiscuous space-goddesses.
When it comes to dealing with alien invasions it is good to be prepared. I hope this guide helps you get some ideas on how hitchhike off this miserable rock when the time comes. If this is the year, I wish you all the best of luck in achieving the dream of slacking off with the frop-smoking space sluts high above the scorched Earth.
Update: Well, it seems the pleasure saucers are still a no-show. I have a good feeling about next year with the whole Mayan prophecy and all. I wonder if the conspiracy fucked with their calendar too. On the bright side, Stang should have at least 10 episodes worth of stuff for the Hour of Slack.